Finding Myself; Finding My Best Friends

The Beatles once told us that "love is all you need", and I tend to agree. That's why I choose to write about living and loving with chronic illness. Whether you're chronically ill or perfectly healthy, it's vital to nurture love in all its forms: love within our families, love between friends, romantic love, and love for the world around us. In my eyes, it's everything.


Of course it's all about balance, and for most of my life I didn't have it. I was the definition of a "bleeding heart", reaching out to anyone and everyone who sought my advice. I was deeply impacted by their struggles, but truthfully it also made me feel needed.  At the same time, I clammed up about anything "negative" in my own life. I suppose it just felt easier to focus on my friends' "normal" problems (stuff like bad grades and boy trouble) than my rare health condition. After all, my problems weren't going anywhere, and who could relate to them anyway? This was also a reflection of my self worth (or lack there of). Since I couldn't do many things like the typical college student, I already felt like I had several "strikes" against me. At the very least, then, I could be the "listener." Meanwhile, I wanted nothing more than unconditional love in my own life, but I had no idea where and how to find it.

It took getting sick to realize that I simply couldn't sustain these relationships, especially without getting much in return. The majority of my energy (or whatever was left of it) needed to go toward fighting my disease. I gave myself permission to stop hiding my reality, and those "friendships" that felt so one-sided? It turns out that they were. When I wasn't able to be the upbeat Maya they had always known, they faded away. During a time when I needed friends more than ever, they were nowhere to be found.

After college, I vowed only to invest in a special few; people who deserved my love and would offer it in return. Thanks to therapy and lots of soul searching, I realized I needed to let go of my fear - fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of someone saying something dumb about my health. Only then could I be ready to pursue the "right" relationships. As always, my family gave me tremendous strength during this time, reminding me that I deserved only the best. 

As I made this transition, I focused on the most important relationship of all: the one I had with myself. I learned to cherish my own company, and even took myself on several "dates." (Before you laugh, go ahead and try it! For starters, you'll never fight over which movie to go see). As my self-esteem grew, I believe it helped attract the right people into my life. Finally I knew what I deserved and I began asking for it.

It wasn't long before I started cultivating new friendships. Although I still secretly feared overwhelming them with my problems, I was honest from the start. This time around, I knew myself and believed I had much more to offer than constant optimism. To my surprise, they truly wanted to listen... so I kept talking. As I maneuvered through my worst flare yet and struggled with even the most basic tasks, our bond only grew stronger. Through sickness and through health, they loved me for me. When I finally dared to be myself, these are the friendships that rose to the top; people who wanted to celebrate my successes and catch my falls. As sick as I was, I had never felt safer or more content in my personal life.

If I've learned anything from these experiences, it's that love shouldn't be given away freely. Okay - if we're talking in a biblical sense (as in "love thy neighbor"), we should all offer our help and compassion whenever possible. However, when it comes to our personal and enduring relationships, we have the right to be picky. Love - in its truest form - is special and asks something of us. Investing in any successful relationship takes time and energy...two things that are limited when you're living with chronic illness. If we learn to view our energy as a precious commodity (essential to loving, caring for our health, and everything else in our lives), then we'll be more mindful of how we spend it. Ultimately, it all goes back to the "golden rule." If we give a piece of ourselves to the people in our lives, it's critical that they know how to replenish our energy when the time is right. In love, as in life, balance is everything.