Thursday, September 29, 2011

The "Bad Vein Club" & Choosing Gratitude

 If you're unlucky enough to belong to the "Bad Vein Club," you know it can impact your quality of life...especially if you're chronically ill.

 Unfortunately, needles have played a leading role in my story. When I was a little girl in a large amount of pain, the first step was always blood work. Each time a new doctor entered the scene; each time a symptom arose; whenever a new medication was prescribed, my blood was constantly monitored and it will continue to be this way for the foreseeable future. 

While it's all been necessary, it's never been pleasant. In my 25 years, I've sat in hundreds of fluorescent exam rooms. Someone inevitably asks, "Has anyone told you how bad your veins are?" and I nod wearily. It can take anywhere from 2-6 attempts for a successful blood draw, and when it's all said and done, I'm left feeling like an over sized pin cushion. I became accustomed to this scene from a young age, and have learned when to move into autopilot. In those moments, I focus only on my breathing. As the needle goes in, I breathe out; the needle comes out, and I breathe in...
I live some version of this every month while receiving my Orencia infusions. When I began this medication last fall, I knew it would mean more time spent in the hospital, more nurses, and more needles...but I didn't care. Without effective medication, my disease was  raging out of control, and showed no signs of letting up. Each muscle, joint, tendon and ligament burned like small wildfires. My outlook was bleak, my fatigue was overpowering, and I was beginning to feel hopeless. I needed my health back like I needed air.

Three months after receiving the first dose, the pain began subsiding, and I began seeing those same "bad veins" quite differently. Instead of resenting them, I gave thanks for them. I knew my body could have easily rejected this new drug, but I was one of the lucky ones. Each month I watched as my miracle drug flowed into my arteries and, instead of medication, I saw possibilities....

Drip

Here's to helping myself out of bed in the mornings....
                           
                          Drip

...To playing tirelessly with my dogs, and bending down for sloppy kisses...

Drip

...To hugging my fiance without pain...

          Drip

...To getting in my car and just going...

    Drip

...To holding up my end of friendships, and weekends away with the girls...

                         Drip

...To the hope flowing through me. 

With this new perspective, came a new experience at my monthly infusions. Call me crazy, but I've actually begun looking forward to them! My mom accompanies me each month, and on the rare occasion when she isn't able, another loved one takes her place. I treasure this quality time with her, and feel so grateful to have her by my side. She's been there through the good times and the worst times, and I truly don't know where I'd be without her.

While the needles will never be enjoyable, I've come to appreciate a window of time intended just for me. For those few hours, I know I'm actively choosing to care for myself, to re-fuel, and to fight for my health. And, while I know my body could always stop responding to Orencia, I choose gratitude...gratitude for modern medicine, for my mother's loving hand, and for another month of relief.

6 comments:

  1. beautiful post. first, i don't have bad veins normally but after these past 2 weeks they were looking in the strangest places to start new iv's or get another draw. i had to laugh when one tech needed to pull back the covering holding my one iv in place to do a blood draw from a vein just 1 cm away from the iv site. and it worked! granted that iv stopped working within a few hours but i just had to find it comical. second, the concept of gratitude while receiving meds is powerful. i meet with a CAM rheumatologist every so often and we discuss the power of it. while in inject my burning cimzia, i keep in mind all those who works long hours to develop the medications and their loved ones who sacrificed so the research could be done. it also helps me be less resentful of the long hours darren works; knowing that his work in the end is improving the quality of life of someone or even saving their life. great post! love you to the moon and back! xo

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  2. Your positive attitude always fills my heart with happiness Maya. I am so glad that Orencia is working for you so you can enjoy this wonderful life of yours.

    Sometimes I am a little embarrassed by my veins because you can easily see them in my hands, but they do make me one of those with "good veins". They get me every time on the first try. :)

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  3. I so agree with you in celebrating this time in your life. It is wonderful to hear that these meds do work for many and even better to know that you so appreciate your success with this medication. Enjoy! Loved this post!

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  4. Wonderful post! I get IVIg infusions every two weeks and I am very thankful for them. I can't imagine where I would be without the medications I am on. Are there some nasty side effects...yep. Is it worth it...YOU BET!

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  5. Betsy: As always, thank you for your wonderful comment. I can only imagine what you went through the past couple of weeks - you've been on my mind constantly. As usual, though, you've kept your sense of humor and your strong spirit throughout it all. You amaze me. Also, do you remember the voicemail you left before I received my first dose of Orencia? It was all about visualizing relief and focusing on gratitude. This has been an invaluable lesson in my life, and I have you to thank for it.

    Cathy: I read your blog for the same reasons. Your optimism gives me tremendous strength, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Be proud of those good veins!

    Deb: Thanks so much for joining in my happiness. Your comment proves how truly supportive this online community is; we all want the best for each other.

    Theresa: I'm thrilled that you've also found relief with these medications, and I pray that's always the case. Thanks so much for reading :)

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  6. It can take two to six attempts for a successful blood test, and when all is said and done, I'm left feeling like a pad of finite size.

    veins

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