The "Bad Vein Club" & Choosing Gratitude

 If you're unlucky enough to belong to the "Bad Vein Club," you know it can impact your quality of life...especially if you're chronically ill.

 Unfortunately, needles have played a leading role in my story. When I was a little girl in a large amount of pain, the first step was always blood work. Each time a new doctor entered the scene; each time a symptom arose; whenever a new medication was prescribed, my blood was constantly monitored and it will continue to be this way for the foreseeable future. 

While it's all been necessary, it's never been pleasant. In my 25 years, I've sat in hundreds of fluorescent exam rooms. Someone inevitably asks, "Has anyone told you how bad your veins are?" and I nod wearily. It can take anywhere from 2-6 attempts for a successful blood draw, and when it's all said and done, I'm left feeling like an over sized pin cushion. I became accustomed to this scene from a young age, and have learned when to move into autopilot. In those moments, I focus only on my breathing. As the needle goes in, I breathe out; the needle comes out, and I breathe in...

I live some version of this every month while receiving my Orencia infusions. When I began this medication last fall, I knew it would mean more time spent in the hospital, more nurses, and more needles...but I didn't care. Without effective medication, my disease was  raging out of control, and showed no signs of letting up. Each muscle, joint, tendon and ligament burned like small wildfires. My outlook was bleak, my fatigue was overpowering, and I was beginning to feel hopeless. I needed my health back like I needed air.

Three months after receiving the first dose, the pain began subsiding, and I began seeing those same "bad veins" quite differently. Instead of resenting them, I gave thanks for them. I knew my body could have easily rejected this new drug, but I was one of the lucky ones. Each month I watched as my miracle drug flowed into my arteries and, instead of medication, I saw possibilities....

Drip

Here's to helping myself out of bed in the mornings....

                           

                          Drip

...To playing tirelessly with my dogs, and bending down for sloppy kisses...

Drip

...To hugging my fiance without pain...

          Drip

...To getting in my car and just going...

    Drip

...To holding up my end of friendships, and weekends away with the girls...

                         Drip

...To the hope flowing through me. 

With this new perspective, came a new experience at my monthly infusions. Call me crazy, but I've actually begun looking forward to them! My mom accompanies me each month, and on the rare occasion when she isn't able, another loved one takes her place. I treasure this quality time with her, and feel so grateful to have her by my side. She's been there through the good times and the worst times, and I truly don't know where I'd be without her.

While the needles will never be enjoyable, I've come to appreciate a window of time intended just for me. For those few hours, I know I'm actively choosing to care for myself, to re-fuel, and to fight for my health. And, while I know my body could always stop responding to Orencia, I choose gratitude...gratitude for modern medicine, for my mother's loving hand, and for another month of relief.